This is not my own writing, but after writing “10 Qualities To Look For In A Husband” I thought it would be helpful to know what men do or should look for in a wife. I, myself, found this to be very informative but it also challenged me to look at and within myself and truly analyze whether or not I am aligning myself to the Word of God. I hope this is as helpful to you as it has been to me! This article is titled “10 Qualities Christian Men Want In A Woman” by Dr. Stephen Kim.
“Jerusha Edwards was the same age as Sarah Pierpont and had all the qualities of Jonathan idealized in her New Haven counterpart. As much as anyone, she was his model of female piety. She was renowned for her devotion, her solitary contemplations, sweetness of temper, fine understanding and beautiful countenance….When she died a number of her family wrote tributes to her model of submission.” -George Marsden, describing Jerusha Edwards (the sister of Jonathan Edwards) in his biography, Jonathan Edwards: A Life, Yale University Press 2003.
There are many Christian women who desire to be wed. Among the problems facing them, however, is a strange obstinacy on the part of some to resist asking themselves, “What are the traits that a Christian man looks for when looking for a spouse?” Perhaps of greater consequence is the question, “What are the traits that God expects in a marriageable Christian woman?” Regardless of how attractive you think yourself to be, the question ought to be, “Am I aligning myself to the Word of God?” Here, is my list of ten desirable qualities Christian men want in a spouse.
- Faith. The first thing a Christian man looks for in a marriageable woman is faith. “Does the woman truly believe in Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior?” Christian men are prohibited from marrying unbelievers and hence, faithful men of God will not even consider an non-Christian woman (2 Corinthians 6:14). A woman that loves Christ above all is an attractive woman.
- Same Vision. Men look for women with the same vision. C. S. Lewis once said, “When the two people who thus discover that they are on the same secret road are of different sexes, the friendship which arises between them will very easily pass – may pass in the first half hour – into erotic love.” It’s not enough for a missionary that the woman in front of him on a date loves Jesus. What he needs is a woman that’s also called to go to the mission field with him. Not every woman can survive and suffer in the hardships of bleak mission fields. Not every woman can survive the load and scrutiny of being a pastor’s wife. Not every woman can bear her man being on-call at the hospital, firehouse, or ambulance four nights out of the week. Men look for women who have the same vision and will complement them (so a doctor will look for a woman that can raise the family while he’s not home, whereas a missionary will look for a woman that could survive the mission field alongside him). A woman on the same mission is an attractive woman.
- Beauty. Some men try to come off as hyper-spiritual about this one by saying things like, “I only look for the inward beauty of the heart–a woman’s beauty doesn’t matter for me.” That’s garbage. That’s like saying, “I like apples that taste like paste because I only eat them for nutritional value.” C.S. Lewis also saw physical repulsion as an inhibitor for romantic attraction: “Indeed, unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do so sooner or later. And conversely, erotic love may lead to Friendship between the lovers.” I certainly would never “force” any of my sons to marry girls they found unattractive–simply because they were “Christians.”
For marriage, beauty is an important consideration for men. For any other woman, it doesn’t matter whether or not the woman is physically attractive (e.g., Christian men fellowship and care for unattractive mothers, sisters, friends, and female cousins all the time); however, for the woman that a man is expected by God to procreate with, physical attraction certainly matters! God made wives beautiful and wired husbands in such a way that they delight in that beauty. As the tongue was made to delight in honey, so the eyes of men were made to delight in the beauty of their women. There is absolutely nothing wrong in relishing in the beauty of your wife. In fact, it’s actually a good thing. Listen to this biblical writer: “Behold, you are beautiful, my love, behold, you are beautiful! Your eyes are doves behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead (Song of Solomon 4:1). A beautiful woman is an attractive woman.
- Humility. Men can’t stand women who flaunt their beauty on social media. It says a lot about them. Foolish men fall for such vanity, but wise men wisely stay away. A humble woman is an attractive woman.
- Kindness. Though men look for beauty, that beauty will only lead to strife if it is not accompanied by inward beauty–kindness. I’ve often said, “Good looks will get you a date, but kindness will get you a relationship.” When the world is against them, men want to receive kindness from their wives. They do not want a nagging or argumentative woman: “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife” (Prov 25:24). A kind woman is an attractive woman.
- Wisdom. Not all Christian men are wise, but all Christian men look for wise women. The wiser the man, the wiser his life companion ought to be. Again, beauty might land you a first date, but few Christian men will marry a woman who is foolish. Conversation and trust–to a certain extent–is built upon wisdom. A man can’t converse with you, nor can he trust you if he deems you as foolish. “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion” (Proverbs 11:22). A wise woman is an attractive woman.
- Willingness to Bear Children. Christian men take the Old and New Testament mandates to “bear holy seed” seriously. Women who do not wish to have children are automatically disqualified by Christian men. A woman’s willingness to bear children and manage the home is a powerful declaration of her salvation and deals a powerful blow on the head of the enemy (1 Timothy 5:14). A fruitful woman is an attractive woman.
- Joyful. Men love to make and see women smile. The ancients used to call this trait “sweetness of temper.” Christian men want to come home to joy and a sweet home environment. Life is difficult as it is, and the last thing men desire is the continual drip of a malcontent at home. This trait of “joy” is not thoughtless levity. (Women without discretion cause their husbands great shame: “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones” (Prov 12:4).) Rather, “joy” is the expression of happiness that overflows from a life that is daily trusting in, and content in, Christ (1 Thess 5:16). A consistently joyful woman is an attractive woman.
- Submissive. Perhaps the crowning mark of a Christian woman: “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord” (Col 3:18). This is perhaps, the quality that’s most lacking among Christian women today. Due to the pervasive work of feminists and egalitarians, the notion of women submitting to their husbands is completely foreign. Yet, this is a trait that God looks to engender within godly women and, non-coincidentally, it is also a trait that godly men look for in marriageable women. A submissive woman is an attractive woman.
- Active Devotional Life. Godly men will inquire about a woman’s devotional life. Is the woman daily in her Word and in prayer. Yes, post-marriage, the man will help develop these spiritual disciplines; but godly men will not marry a woman that speaks much about “loving Jesus,” but doesn’t daily spend any actual time with Jesus in the disciplines of prayer and Scripture reading. The absence of a devotional life is a strong warning sign to a godly man. “There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:42). A devoted woman is an attractive woman.