A Living Monet

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“Everyone discusses my art and pretends to understand, as if it were necessary to understand, when it is simply necessary to love.”                        ~ Oscar-Claude Monet

About a month ago I shared with everyone that my husband Zane was laid off from work and during this time, he and I were hunting for houses. We had and still have a desire to grow our family, so we felt it was time to look for a bigger place to live. However, losing a full time income put a halt to all of our house hunting and thus put our pursuit of guardianship over our nephew to a halt as well. This was heartbreaking. Just as we were getting ahead, we’re set 3 steps back.

I’ve been working 2 jobs since the summer and that job sometime requires me to work on Sundays. So when I have a Sunday morning off I’ll sing, play guitar, or play the drums with the worship team every chance I get. One particular Sunday morning, my personal in-ear monitor was not connecting to the main system during our morning practice making it difficult for me to hear anyone and difficult to keep a tempo. This was a minor setback but irritating nonetheless. Our awesome sound guys fixed the problem by the time the service started and worship was wonderful. Once church was over, Zane and I were on our way to my dad’s house for lunch. He lives an hour away so we usually make a day out of our visits with him. On our way, my stomach began to turn; all I had in my belly was coffee. I have been getting more and more carsick as of late and due to a bridge being out, we had to take a back road to get to the highway. Back roads + Emily = unpleasantness for everyone. I got sick, of course, forcing Zane to pull off to a carpool lot right before reaching the highway. Once I was done with…. well, you know…. Zane pulled ahead towards the far exit instead of the one we just passed to get onto the highway. Not something we usually do. This exit was more difficult to pull out of because the car was parallel to the highway, making it hard to see oncoming traffic. So hard, actually, that Zane didn’t see the pickup truck coming straight for us. As I’m sure you’ve already concluded, we got hit. Not hard, and there wasn’t enough damage to make our car un-driveable, but enough that a claim had to be called into my insurance. This day is going splendidly so far! Zane and I were very grateful to be going to my dad’s for lunch. We were in dire need of some fun and loving company and some delicious home-cooked food. Back 3 more steps.

I got a call from my insurance telling me what my deductible would be on the car repair and the amount they told me was more than I was expecting… Thankfully Zane and I had some money put aside in our “Emergency Fund” and we had a little in savings. The unfortunate part is that we had to clean out all of our savings and all of the emergency fund in order to pay this deductible and even then it wasn’t enough to cover the cost. What else can happen, really?

Last week, Zane’s mom showed up unexpectedly after a football game and asked to speak with us. She has been battling cancer for many years so Zane and I both knew she was sick and that her time left was short. However, we didn’t know just how serious things had gotten. Internal bleeding is what she is facing now and she nor the doctors know how long she will have. Her friend, niece, and myself will be donating blood to ease her pain but aside from that, we’re unaware of treatments that will help or cure the bleeding until more test are done.

Can this be over now? For days I could feel the weight of the world pushing down on my shoulders and I was doing the best I could to get through.

When you try to control the things that are happening in your life, you step too close and you lose sight of what’s really happening. During times like this, I try to understand God and understand why this is all happening rather than simply loving and trusting in Him. I stepped too close to my situation and I lost sight of the big picture. We’re not meant to understand God and we’re not meant to understand why things happen, we’re meant to love Him and that’s it. Your life is a painting and God the painter. Much like Monet, when you get real close, everything looks jumbled, messy, and chaotic. But when you look at your life in its entirety, it’s colorful, complex, specific; it’s a beautiful and unique work of art.


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