This is a true story.
A woman moved to a new area and started attending a new church. Boy spots her on a Sunday morning. Boy also notices her when she starts attending the small group he is also involved in.
It is not long before boy asks the girl out. Their first date is a coffee on the way to small group. Girl is excited about this possibility. He has a lot of good qualities she has noticed while being in small group together. He’s cute. And he was pretty quick in letting his intentions be known. This is how it is supposed to be, she thinks.
At their first coffee date boy DTRs the relationship. This is what the whole coffee date is about. (This is not our idea of a coffee date.) The purpose of this coffee date for the boy is to go over his rules (which are boundaries which we support) with the girl. Not too surprisingly his rules are similar to her rules. This is how it is supposed to be, she thinks.
Boy and girl have their real first date. It is a romantic one. This is how it is supposed to be, she thinks.
Boy suggests to girl that they should find accountability with one of the pastors and his wife. Girl is okay with this because though she is new to the church the pastor he suggested is one she really likes. And she’s been getting to know the wife too. She likes the thought of getting to know this couple as she is far from her own family and her own church family. It is also honorable to her that he wants to date her with accountability.
Boy and girl have a second date. It is a group date and it doesn’t go well.
Boy and girl have a third date. Their conversations don’t go well at all. Turns out the girl has some differing opinions on life things that can be negotiable.
Girl decides to not date the boy again.
This boy has now become someone her and I laugh at. He is far removed from her life so it is okay.
How did something that looked so promising go so wrong? The boy never knew the girl. The boy never cared to know the girl. The boy saw the girl and assumed she fit into the box he wants to marry. The boy practically made his intentions known by going over the rules before he knew the girl. And by bringing in a married couple to mentor them after one date. He made all of these decisions without ever knowing who she was. It was like the girl having her own thoughts and own personality and own calling on her life didn’t matter. He found someone who fit into his box and put her there to stay there. Before there ever was a long rambling conversation to get to know each other on a shallow level. Much less those long rambling conversations (which are really so much fun) as you grow to get to know someone you are interested in. He wasn’t interested in those conversations either.
As a part of brave dating we are all about creating your boundaries for yourself and for applying those boundaries to your dating relationship all along the way. We are all about bringing in your team and having accountability all along the way of your relationship. But how about you get to know the person first before you explain your boundaries to that person and bring that person into your world? How about a coffee date that is actually about getting to know each other? How about figuring out if this person is likeable and attractive to you (remember attractive is a lot more than looks) and a possible match? How about treating this possible other as a whole person who is a curious one to get to know?
Now that is a lot of fun. And a good foundation for a love for a lifetime.