Women really do want to marry nice guys. We want to be treated nicely and respectfully. Players, bullies, jocks, all those stereotypes do not know how to be that. Sadly, I know too many women who choose badly and are drawn to the “bad boy.” Wounded people love bleeding on each other.
Nice guy, this does not devalue you at all. In reality, you’ve been spared this wounded person who is not ready for you.
That is a truth to remember. Yet I hear those words that are swirling in your head right now. It’s about those women in your life who will confide in you, pray and serve with you, spend time with you. But as soon as you muster up the bravery to ask for a coffee, they seem surprised and tell you, “I don’t want to ruin what we have.” They call you a great guy with a good heart, but say something lame like “I’m just trying to seek Jesus and God’s call for my life right now.” (Women, stop this.)
Were those the words you have swirling in your head because you’ve heard them so many times? I get it, you are tired of being the nice guy.
Stay with me. Let’s change the story on this.
It’s just that nice guys seem to be boring. Too often nice guys come off as boring. Ready for a big truth? Women get those two adjectives get mixed up. Women don’t want to end up with boring guys. It is the boring guys who get lumped into that negative category.
Let’s change the question. Are you boring? Understand this has nothing to do with nice. Are you a boring guy?
Here are some qualities that nice guy you can put into your life to be seen as more than just the nice guy.
Live life with passion. Women see passion as appealing. Because maybe you will also be that passionate about her and you may give her an experience she can get caught up in. So how do you spend your free time? Is there passion involved in the decisions you make about your free time? Are you passionate about a cause so you’ve gotten yourself involved? Are you passionate about your other relationships so you value time with these people? What about your job? Are you just putting your time in or does it motivate your life in any way? Women recognize that this passion comes from a true heart and that is attractive. Boring guys show little passion and make safe decisions. Nice guys live by compassion and that is attractive.
Drive. Masculine energy is directional energy. What direction are you going in? Do you know? Do you have passion for that direction? Drive shows strength, even if you are in the first steps of what drives you. Women are attracted to that strength. Optimism is attractive also. Boring guys show little passion and make safe decisions which shows no drive so no strength. Nice guys live by compassion and that drives them.
Boldness. Boring guys are not bold. They don’t take a stand on much, maybe because they also lack passion. Live your life boldly, bravely. Think back to some of those times in your teen years when you made bold decisions. Do you remember that anxiety and tension you felt but because you were “young and dumb” when you did take your bold stand. Rekindle that as an adult. It is attractive. And the world needs you. Nice guys have the freedom to be bold because they are compassionate.
Confidence. Look everyone you talk to in the eye. Not a stare down but a look like you and I both know that you are here and now in this conversation—even if you are just ordering a coffee. You will be surprised at how this will grow your confidence. Remember that worthiness is your birthright. You are a pretty awesome guy. Thanks for being in this world. It is nice of you to show up and let everyone know that you are here. Confidence has a magnetizing effect not just on women but everyone. Boring guys try to up their confidence because they know they have so little to be confident about. Nice guys have confidence because they are defined by their brave decisions and know that. Brave decisions formed from passion and boldness. Thanks for being in this world.
Vulnerability. There is that word again. I use it a lot here at Bravester. That word always bring discomfort with it. But vulnerability is strength. And women are attracted to strength. Some men have been raised with the false belief that they should always appear detached, cool and unemotional, or risk being known in guy world as “weak.” When you’ve been called a nice guy it makes you want to try to be detached and aloof so you can be known as the “bad guy.” But you can’t. This takes you out of the compassionate and confident guy that you are.
So there are times you need to risk. Sometimes those are painful failures. This may be a failure on a ministry team you led or asking out that gal you have your eye on. Remember a rejection is not 100% about you. There are two or more people involved. But people are watching. They see this strength in you. It is attractive. Boring guys hide and numb themselves. Nice guys live bravely because “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.” (Dr. Brene’ Brown, Daring Greatly) All of those words are attractive.
Adventure. Boring guys go on movie dates that show an adventure on the screen. Nice guys live with adventure. This does not mean that you are a professional paintball player (I married one and he is nice). It means that what you do with your free time is not videogames. You find adventures. You lead other people to adventures. Sometimes you are spontaneous. Ideally these adventures would also make the world a better place. Serving God even for two hours on a Saturday can be an adventure. Thanks for being in this world, nice guy. We are attracted to you.
Know how to fix a tire. Or something handy like that because some women do know how to change their own tires. But I will say that being handy is a strength that women are attracted to. Boring guys do not continue to learn. Nice guys do not mind getting dirty to show what they have learned.
How can a guy like this be lumped into the “let’s just be friends” category without that guy being given a chance? You may end up at friends, but you won’t get friendzoned before the chance was taken. Besides, you may actually make a friend so the friendzoning thing doesn’t count.
Do you see the difference between boring and nice? Good. Now go do.
(Photo credit: Ikowh Babayev)