“I always felt that God was mildly disgusted with me.”

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We are in year 2 of a seven year prison sentence with one of our sons. In year 2 we are seeing an increasingly amount of growth in him! We’ve been through prison sentences with him before but never one this long. But this is what happens when he chose to self-sabotage his life instead of dealing with the shame that has been the voice in his head most of his life. And the secrets that were strangling him. This 7-year sentence from his self-sabotage has cost him quite a bit plus he’s not a young thing anymore to bounce right back into his life.

This is his story to share. As he is putting words to the shame and the secrets he is beginning to put truth into his life. He has started to share some peeks of that with John and I, the parents who took him in at age 12. And he has given me permission to share it with you all. Because this is the beginning of how you live a real brave life–to stop allowing the shame to keep your life a secret.

At an early age I wondered why I felt so uncomfortable in situations when everyone else seemed so comfortable. Why was everything so awkward for me? Weird thoughts would run through my mind and I’d  start to sweat appearing to others to have happened for no reason only to proceed through the setting furthering the awkwardness. These instances continued into adulthood solidifying in my mind that something was uniquely wrong with me.

God had to be mildly disgusted with me! I had been discretely mischievous as a child. Whenever trouble from authority was evaded, punishments in some form seemed to have God’s hands all over them which manifested His omnipresence. Why had I felt the need to be so defiant over the years?

Maybe, deep down inside I wanted to control my life and everything around it. I apparently wanted to play God until He humbled me to rock bottom. My understanding of my power being so minute to God’s omnipotence finally resonated. And, my only choice was to fully submit to God’s will.

Certainly He could turn this vicious cycle around. If I could only stop being so selfish and stubborn God would fix this mess! I’m not sure if these self-inflicted wounds will linger throughout my lifetime but I do feel confident of paradise in the following life. The foolishness that created this shame and anguish has pretty much ran its course, and the torment of this life is minimal compared to the eternity which makes it bearable. This is the peace that surpasses all understanding. God wanted to reach out and help me hang in there the whole time. He just needed me to reach out and grab His hand!

Terrill Weathers

 

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Brenda Seefeldt Amodea is in her 35th year of ministry—all of it with youth. She loves youth—and that…

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