Sometime someone hurts you so bad, it stops hurting at all.
Until something makes you feel again
And then it all comes back
How could you ever understand where I come from
Even if you ask, even if you listen
You do not really hear, see or feel
You don’t remember my story
You haven’t walked my path
You haven’t seen what I’ve seen.
My past defines me
This is who I am
I am unseen, unheard, unwanted
That is what I am
If even I am anything.
It seems like the same thing that held me up, forces me down
The world turned upside down
Nothing was how it was supposed to be
And a heavy sadness filled my soul.
Deeper and deeper I fell within myself
And nothing could draw me out
Trapped in the misery of my life
Lost in the sorrow of my soul
Unable to see the light
Unable to see the dawn
I found the darkest days of my life kept coming
The blackest nights for my soul never stopped
It seemed like it was always nighttime and nightmares
And never morning
And maybe you wonder why
But mostly you try not to think about it
And try to get by
And try to survive
And all the other stuff seems so much like nothing
Compared to just wanting the most important things back again
Like wishing you could see your mom smile again
And hear her sing that one favorite song that always calmed you down
When things were all messed up
Or if you couldn’t have her back
At least get to take care of your baby brother
Because you know he needs you
And he’s going to be so scared all alone
And who’s going to hold his hand and whisper it will be all right again
And who will whisper that to me.
I know I’m helpless
But what happens when those you need the most threaten your very existence
I’ve heard plenty of promises
And they all sound the same
But push hard enough
And they all prove to be empty.
The sun comes up every morning
But do you know where?
Each place is somewhere different
It is hard to find east when you keep moving around
But at least it comes it always comes.
I’ve come to depend on that.
And slowly, slowly seasons changed around me
And it seemed that this time
That maybe this time the world would not be pulled out from under me again
Feet safe, roots starting to grow
Little buds of hope forming
Slowly attempting to trust this new life.
I wish someone would tell me it’s going to be okay
That one day maybe I would feel normal
That I won’t always be alone
That I’ll have a mommy who will hug me
And be strong for me
Because maybe I can’t do it all by myself.
This my past, my history, my story is not my fault
It’s not because of me
It doesn’t have to be what defines my future
I am loveable
I am worthy of care
And that glimmer of light makes all the difference
The glimmers of light give me hope
That someday my summer will come.
These words are not mine. They belong to Christina Matanick who wrote this screenplay ReMoved for a short film. It is the story of a foster girl moving through the system. The short film was directed by Nathanael Matanick and won Best Film for the 168 Film Festival in 2013 as well as other numerous awards.
Maybe you saw yourself in those words, and your story is not about being a foster kid. Maybe you saw your story in those words. That is why I wrote them out. This pain of our past is often a large part of our stories. This pain is real. It haunts.
But this pain doesn’t define you now. This pain comes with the promise of being redeemed by God to create a beautiful ending for your story. He promises I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you. John 16:22. This is the story of how God works every time. It started in the Garden of Eden and was perfected through Jesus. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Hebrews 12:2. This same is possible for our lives. Hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is unfailing love. His redemption overflows. Psalm 130:7b. Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. Isaiah 43:1. This is the very core of God. And he knows your name.
Meanwhile 2 Corinthians 1:5 reminds us (and this is a reminder we need) We share in the terrible sufferings of Christ, but also in the wonderful comfort He gives.
Be brave. Your story is a good one. Winter does end. Spring does come.
You can view the short film here.
The Matanicks also created a part two to the story. They did it again. Pain is redeemed to beauty again.