The Deal You Make With Yourself When You are Nice

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Do you do this? Do you think that If you are really nice, accommodating, and self-sacrificing towards your other, then he/she will be really nice, accommodating, and self-sacrificing towards you.

However when this silent deal is not met, you turn into a guilt-tripping, passive-aggressive, emotional manipulator. When all along this was your deal that you made and you allowed your boundaries to be trampled.

Even nice guys you date will end up losing interest in you because your actions will communicate how little you value your own needs and wants.

Yikes. This is not the deal you made. This is not your intentions at all.

Have a little vanity. Be more hard-to-get.

First I need to clarify what I mean by hard-to-get. This is based in identity, not gameplaying. This is not gameplaying at being “hard to get” only to totally cave once you’ve gotten the attention you need. Hard-to-gets know who they are (hopefully embracing that their identity is in Christ and all those beautiful traits that are birthed in that) and know their boundaries. Hard-to-gets are alluring because of their independence and freedom. You know exactly what you get from that person. You are not this blurry mess that your nice, accommodating, and self-sacrificing self has become. You are attractable because people know exactly who you are.

Yes, some people are intimidated by a hard-to-get person. That person is intimidated because they believe you are then out of their league. Maybe you are? Maybe you aren’t? That becomes this person’s problem, this person’s insecurity, not yours. You don’t really want to attract an insecure person, do you?

Besides to live this purpose statement you will be hard-to-get for many people.

“Live your life to the full bravely following after Jesus. Now. As you are living bravely, who is keeping up with you? That is the match for you.”

Being a hard-to-get also means that you are nice. You are nice because you know who your identity is. Because you are boundaried you can vulnerably give of yourself to friends and possible relationships. This defined self is on this date so you can risk vulnerability because this person can’t define you. You can be emotionally open because this person can’t define you. You can be your nice self and have no deals to be made. Not even the ones inside your head.

When you are boundaried you can then be accommodating because you are accommodating you to bless the other person. Not a contorted version of you because you want to gain an advantage or gain leverage or because you will become anyone to gain or keep this relationship. No deals are being made. Not even the ones inside your head.

When you are boundaried you can then be self-sacrificing because you are self-sacrificing you to be you. You are not doing this to try to get someone, to try to get someone’s attention, to try to stay in a relationship. No, you simply get to give away your life to whomever you want. No deals are being made. Not even the ones inside your head.

Besides no one wants to be someone’s solution for a life that is not working. The more you love yourself, the easier it will be to recognize a relationship in which you’re not really loved. Grow your nice self and see if you don’t attract someone who will unconditionally love you. And someone you don’t have to make a deal in your head with.

 

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