Words I Wish I Could Say

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I miss you. I have missed you since you were in 9th grade. So many life landmarks I’ve missed of yours, and I wanted to be there.

I really enjoyed lunch with you last week. It was good to see you. But I didn’t feel comfortable saying that to you, because our walls are up pretty high. We no longer can be vulnerable to each other.

There are so many things I wish I could have said to you.

I enjoyed hearing the story about the boy who looked like a good possibility and ended up not being trustworthy. It is a big deal that he was a disappointment. I wanted to share that, I wanted to share in your disappointment. It’s  a big deal! But I couldn’t.

Your life is really tough right now. I want to walk through this season with you. Get deep into this mud with you. But I could see from our lunch that I am not one of the voices you want to hear right now. You did ask for the lunch assuming maybe hoping that I could help you find your way back but very early in our conversation you accused me of judging you. And I hadn’t even heard the whole story yet. I knew then that I was not going to be able to say anything.

I always thought I’d be around to walk through this stuff with you.

I just want to sit on the curb with you and help guide you through. But your own harsh judgment of you puts up walls to those who want to guide you, want to empathize with you. You already judge you so harshly.

I think you want my guidance but you also can’t discern that it is not judgment of you but guidance. If my face falls because you tell me a scary story that could have ended in someone’s death, you accuse me of judging you. So I don’t speak. I try even harder to stay straight-faced. I just listen. I chose very carefully every word I spoke. I hope that was enough.

I am far from you and praying for you as you asked. I have never stopped praying for you. You are a voice in my head, a voice I love. May the Holy Spirit be the voice in your head, not my voice. Nor your harsh judgment of you. But the truth of who you are spoken to you by the Holy Spirit. Even that requires vulnerability and I’m not sure you are up for that.

You are more than a feather. I miss you.  Brenda!

p.s. I just finished reading Everything Happens for a Reason And Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler. You need to read it too. You will love her writing style, her cussing for Lent, and how she doesn’t accept simple answers for anything. So you.

p.s.s. Please also read this blog post about darkness and faith. You will also love this writer and I believe these words will give you words as you write and share your gift.

(Photo credit:  Photo by Mats-Peter Forss on Unsplash)

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