Have you noticed how those who play “hard to get” always have attracters? Have you been jealous of someone like that? Maybe that someone is one of your friends?
There are two reasons why those who play “hard to get” have attracters. But first let me define what “hard to get” is not. This is not gameplaying at being “hard to get” only to totally cave once you’ve gotten the attention you need. This is based in identity, not gameplaying.
One reason these people are so attractive is they know who they are so they know their boundaries. To have good boundaries means you know where you end and the other person begins. You know how to set limits and when to say no. When you have good boundaries you are free to be honest, clear, direct, and able to confront when necessary. As Dr. Henry Cloud says, “Boundaries create autonomy, which creates freedom, which is essential for attraction and love.” (How to Get a Date Worth Keeping) “Hard to get” people are alluring because of their independence and freedom. You know exactly what you get from that person. Can this be a goal for you? Can you see yourself as one of those “hard to get” people who is always being sought after? It can happen. Work on your boundaries.
Seriously. This can become you. You can become alluring because of your independence and freedom, because you know who you are. You are not defined by a relationship. You are living your life to the full now, before marriage. You are making every minute of your single life count for the glory of God. All of this is attractive. Get it? Attractive as in attracting good people.
The second reason is vulnerability. Yikes, right? To be brave enough to be present with your heart, mind, and soul in a relationship requires some brave vulnerability. If you are not able to do this, one of two things will happen. First, you will not have enough emotional presence to draw someone in and have that click. Second, if you do attract someone you are going to attract someone who is looking for a detached or unavailable person. Yikes for real. Do you want an emotionally unavailable person to be attracted to you? Then you have to be emotionally open in this process. I know. This requires bravery and that is scary.
How can you be emotionally open in this process of dating when your heart being broken is at risk? This goes back to those boundaries. This goes back to the strength of knowing who you are. Of not being defined by a relationship. Of living your life to the full now. Of making every minute of your single life count for the glory of God. With this sort of strength, the fear of vulnerability lessens because you are not being defined by this date or this growing relationship. You have already defined yourself. Because this defined self is on this date, you can risk vulnerability because this person can’t define you. You can be emotionally open because this person can’t define you.
In the end here, those who are “hard to get” are not playing. This is who they are. And they are attractive.
“Hard to get” people do desire a love for a lifetime. They also hurt. Sometimes from rejection. Living with vulnerability has that risk. They struggle and pray to God “when will you bring my love for a lifetime.” These kind of people are not “too good” for someone or “too serious” about God. They just are because they know their boundaries and have decided to live in vulnerability. And that is attractive.
You can be this too. Be brave.