Where do intentional intergenerational conversations happen these days? I can think of one consistently, for sure location–the church.

Why do our teens need more intentional intergenerational conversations? I’d like to tell you why from my strongly opinionated self.

I’ve been in youth ministry since 1981. Way way back in the day I was an advocate for teen’s having their own safe space in church, meeting with a group of adults (not just solo hero me, the youth pastor) to learn, process their doubts, and grow their faith. Yes, I would take all of your saggy couches because I wanted teens to feel safe within the church walls so we could talk about the deep things inside their deep minds. I also have long believed, teens schedule in church or youth group time to learn about God.

I don’t demand this church space as much anymore for a church plan.

The reason for my change:  screens.

Screens keep teens in silos. A face in a screen is how teens first present themselves way too often. Teens are having a world of conversations on those screens but it is also not really a conversation. It’s one-way. It’s curated. It’s less than 30-seconds. It’s not intentional and intergenerational. Yes, their questions may be getting answered but no conversation is happening to lead that teen to make a decision with wisdom gained from reading facial expressions, navigating awkward conversations, working through disagreement in real time, or that formative moment when you ask a real person that question that comes from your gut. These kinds of conversation have happened on saggy couches or over tables with church coffee in the yesteryears.

Youth ministry has long been accused of being a silo ministry in a church. We don’t “need” to be anymore. Screens are doing this damage enough.

I believe church offers a rare time for teens to learn from the many generations that make up a church family. All generations have much to learn from each other. Teens have much to offer all the other generations too.

There is so much to learn from each other! Let’s start talking…to each other!

A room for saggy couches is great for teens if there is space in your building. But these days those saggy couches are full of teens on their screens not even talking to each other. Change that up!

Intergenerational relationships will have their awkward moments. There will be missed cues and mismatched expectations. That’s the point. We don’t just need relationships that are easy, we need ones that carry us into maturity. The church offers this.

One mismatched expectation I want to specifically point out is listening.

Teens really do want meaningful relationships with older Christians. They want to learn how to “make it” from someone who has. These curious teens are looking for connection–not correction and not one-way communication. They are not asking for someone to manage them or fix them. They are seeking adults who will listen to them as they process how they are figuring out how to “make it” in their life situation.

What a gift to give teens sacred space and adults who want to listen. (The research is here.)

So change it up. You, parent, youth pastor, adult who loves teens, can do something very helpful. The resource is here. Give these adults from all generations these questions they can ask teens when they see them to break up that beginning awkwardness. Put these on 3×5 cards so they are at the ready. Create a meme that can be in their phone photo gallery so they are at the ready. These questions may be the one that starts a life-defining intentional intergenerational conversation.

1. What’s the best thing that happened to you since we last met?
2. What’s the worst thing that happened to you since we last met?
3. What’s one risk you’ve taken?
4. What’s one thing you’ve done to serve someone else?