The myth of the perfect decision is felt more fiercely when it comes to love and who you marry. Mostly because this is the one decision you want to be perfect. You really really really want a good marriage and that love for a lifetime. This is also a good thing to really really really want.

The crippling belief that you need to wait for a sign to know it is the perfect decision is what you are getting wrong.

You have all the good feels for this beloved. All the people around you are telling you that he/she is the one. The people who you are closest to, who you trust the most, are telling you. Yet you are waiting for God to write this in the clouds. You are waiting for something supernatural because marrying anyone is such an important decision.

Except you’ve turned this decision into a transaction with God. You believe that if you do your part, God will give you the supernatural sign. If you obey the most by continually seeking a sign then God will bless you with a sign. Maybe because you believe you and God are on a special wavelength over this major life decision. Maybe you believe that if you make the right decision, God will protect you from the wrong outcome. If you trust correctly, God will give you certainty.

There it is. Your wish for omniscience in your future marriage. This is something we all wish for, but none of us are God. We are marrying beautiful humans who can’t give us a guaranteed love for a lifetime.

You can discern and ask your life team to discern that you are marrying a good match. This is one of those “shoulds.” Even with this good discernment, you are not given a guarantee.

You want God to “tell” you the outcome before you make the decision so you don’t have to risk trusting God afterward. That’s the trust issue. You want God’s guidance to eliminate your need for trust. But guidance doesn’t eliminate trust–it requires it.

Wisdom is trusting God enough to take the next faithful step.

You need wisdom. James 1:5 says, If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. Notice what James doesn’t say–ask God and he will tell you exactly which option to choose. James teaches us to ask for wisdom which leads to trust. That’s different. You are being trusted to make the decision. You are also being asked to trust a generous God.

James invites us to ask for wisdom, not to make God responsible for removing every uncertainty. Wisdom helps us see, discern, and act faithfully. It doesn’t make us omniscient.

Are you feeling your trust issues?

Not having peace doesn’t mean something must be wrong. We (not just you) falsely believe that surely you would have peace about this decision? Wouldn’t that be a sign, since you have decided to stop looking into the clouds for a sign?

Peace can become another way of bargaining for a certain outcome. Sometimes we have peace because something is right. Sometimes we have peace because we’ve finally made a decision. Sometimes we’re anxious because we’re doing something brave. (There is risk involved.) Sometimes we have peace because we are avoiding something difficult. (Think about that one.)

Your emotional state is real information. All emotions move us towards God, all of them. They also aren’t necessarily a divine GPS. Get curious about those emotions. How is the Holy Spirit leading you through your emotions? Because this is one way the Holy Spirit works.

What if God trusts you more than you trust yourself?

Maybe maturity isn’t learning how to get God to make every decision for you. Maybe maturity is learning how to make decisions in relationship with God. There is a huge difference.

God isn’t standing over you with a celestial red pen waiting for you to choose the wrong answer. James 1:5 again, … He will not rebuke you for asking. God desires to form you. God loves to watch his creation grow—including you. I believe God says to us, “You have enough information. You have wisdom. You know my character. Now trust me—and choose.”

This sort of trust is much scarier than getting a sign. And much more relational.

Underneath your obsession with certainty is often this fear of what if you get it wrong? What if you marry the wrong person?

First of all a good life team will help you see what love might be blinding you to. They’ll ask the hard questions, notice patterns, and challenge your wishful thinking. They can’t guarantee your future, but they can help you make a wiser decision.

But even then if something happens in the future and this chosen person changes and the tragedy you fear happens, God’s wide path for you will get you through this tragedy. You are not exempt from pain. You can’t overplan for a car accident that could change your marriage. Evil happens. But you are promised God’s presence through the pain because it is about relationship.

You don’t need that message in the clouds. You need:  Bible wisdom; life wisdom; prayer wisdom; good questions; a life team to ask those questions to; an honest assessment of reality; attention paid to patterns, watching how someone handles power, frustration, accountability, and the word no; being curious about your emotional state; bravery; a willingness to make a decision; and the humility to adjust when new information comes. 

You don’t have to make God prove the future before you trust God with it. Sometimes faith looks less like getting an answer from God and more like becoming the kind of person who can make a wise decision with God.

That’s trust. Not certainty.

This is the person the right someone wants to marry.