Stop Treating Your Boyfriend Like Your Husband
![Stop Treating Your Boyfriend Like Your Husband](https://bravester.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/boyfriend-laundry.jpg)
We have a guest article from someone who’s blog I follow, Dee’s Dating Diary. I asked Dee’s permission to share this wisdom with us here and she said yes. So go ahead and read these brave thoughts and see if they don’t change some of your thinking. Stop lying to yourself. Don’t punish yourself with regrets, just move forward.
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There’s a huge problem in dating that needs to be addressed. From the moment a relationship becomes exclusive, or even before this point, many women treat their boyfriends like they are their husbands.
Most of the time, you will see women do for their boyfriends what a wife does for her husband and this is not okay.
Unless there is a ring on your finger, you should never treat your boyfriend as if he is your husband!
Playing Wife Is A Temporary Comfort
While “playing house” and “playing wife” may make you feel happier about your relationship because you exhibit that close, committed relationship held by a husband and wife, you don’t have the comfort and security that a marriage provides.
While you’re doing so much for your boyfriend to the point that you resemble the role his wife would take on, you’ll be disappointed to learn how easily and quickly a man can leave the relationship without batting an eye.
And, after the relationship ends, will you not sit there thinking, “Damn, I shouldn’t have done all that for him!” Or, “I cant believe he left me after everything I’ve done and given up for him!”
While these are legitimate questions, the real questions you need to ask yourself are, “Why did I treat this man like my husband?” “Why did I do so much for a man that wasn’t married to me?”
Instead of being the devoted wife in your next relationship, just be the girlfriend. And, know that this route will get you a ring quicker than if you act like there’s already a ring on your finger.
The Benefits of Marriage Don’t Apply to Relationships
The root of some of your problems in dating may be the fact that you are going above and beyond the call of duty of a girlfriend.
The truth is, if a man wants ALL of you and wants you to do more than a girlfriend does for her boyfriend, then he needs to put a ring on it.
While many men will propose to women who treated them like husbands from day one, it will take you a lot longer to get a ring out of a man if you’re giving him all the benefits of a marriage without any of the accompanying obligations and commitments.
Why Marry The Woman When You Can Get The Wife For Free?
Do you remember that old saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
Well, it’s true! This applies to dating and not just sex. What will inspire or encourage a man to marry you if he already has all the perks of marriage without any of it’s other obligations or “hassles?”
If a man wants more than plain old boyfriend treatment, he’s going to have to earn it and he needs to ask you to be his wife!
Think about it though, how are you going to feel if you treat your beau like he’s your husband and he breaks up with you or leaves you for another woman? Will you not regret doing too much for him?
Don’t get caught up doing a lot more in a relationship than you should! At the end of the day, the only person who ever regrets doing this is the woman, not the man!
What Is Treating Your Boyfriend Like A Husband?
Well, there are many things that women do that reflects the role of a wife.
But, to give you an idea, it can include anything from playing house and regularly cleaning his place or doing his laundry to passing up great opportunities for the relationship.
The most significant aspect I’ve noticed women catering to men as husbands would be in their careers. For example, you could get a great job offer in another state, but choose to pass up on the opportunity to stay with your boyfriend.
I’ve seen too many women pass up on great career or business opportunities for men that had no intention of marrying them, let alone being together long-term.
As women, we can’t make decisions based on our boyfriend being in our lives and, if we do, it can really hold us back.
When it’s all said and done, no woman looks back and says, “You know, I’m glad I passed up that opportunity for him!” So, if you’re not married, you need to make decisions with only your own best interest at heart.
If a man is going to make a career or business decision, he does it, and without thinking, “Oh, I wonder if my girlfriend will be okay with this.” No, men do what they know is best for themselves and it’s time that women did the same!
Until You’re Engaged, His Opinion Doesn’t Matter
If he’s not your husband, your opinion is the only one that matters.
I say this because 2-3 years down the line when you’re not with him, you too will think his opinion doesn’t matter. If he’s not going to be a part of your life permanently, then why would you make decisions based on him? Especially decisions that will have a lasting effect on your life.
If your boyfriend wants you to consider him when you’re making big decisions about your life, he needs to show you that he will always be a part of that life. And, he does this by asking you to marry him!
Remember to slow down and let the dating process and courtship happen naturally. Don’t force a more committed element in your relationship by playing wife. If he doesn’t want to play husband, you definitely shouldn’t play wife!
Dee Simone
Also read Dee’s book, Picking Up The Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself For The Love And Relationship You Deserve
(Photo credit: https://www.shortlist.com/style/how-to-do-laundry-properly-washing-machine-detergent-tips-faded-clothing/331833)
Chala
I thoroughly enjoyed this and couldn’t agree more! Dating is beyond annoying and men are their expectations are ridiculous. It’s not official until it’s official. Do not waste your time!
Be Brave
I’m sorry you’ve had some bitter experiences. I do believe dating is still worth your time–but this time with wisdom and boundaries so that you attract those good ones. Those bad ones sure do wreck our beautiful hearts.
Mike
You are so vague in this entire article it’s comedic. All I got out of your rant about don’t be a wife if you’re just a girlfriend is ” don’t clean his house, don’t do his laundry, & dont pass up opportunities because of him” . Oh & his opinion doesn’t matter now because you’re not engaged right? LOL You think in magical pony land how you act in a relationship as boyfriend / girlfriend is going to just drastically change when you become husband & wife? If you dont think his opinion matters as bf/gf you wont think it matters being married either. Let’s be honest you got screwed over by a guy & now want all women to treat their men like shit because you had a bad experience? & your end game of getting married is just so you can destroy him in court where you can really hurt him. LoL sadly you’re the type of woman that will destroy a good man because you had a bad experience with a bad one.
Meredith
LOL! Mike… My dude… You just told all of us you’re damaged from your own relationships without being honest enough to come right out and say it. Nothing about what she said eluded ti treating guys you date like trash… You’re projecting something fierce and that’s never a good look….
Holly
This is horseshit.. lol….. don’t be brainwashed by this new age feminism.. also there are actually men who put more effort than the women just saying. You must live in a very tiny box.
Samuel
Horrible take. If you communicate exclusivity then that’s what it is. If you want an open relationship then let it be known.
Amanda
How do you stop once you’ve started?
Brenda!
Do you know how hard it is to break a habit? A habit that your boyfriend doesn’t want you to break? One that will question your love for him? One that will disrupt your relationship? This will be hard but will also be a definer of your growing relationship. Hopefully a growing relationship.
Lacey
Excellent article. Young women need to consider this. Definitely do not assume the role of wife until you are.
There was a book written in 2006 called ‘why men marry bitches’. Its actually NOT about being a bitch, its about how to be a girlfriend until you are a wife. It was written from interviews with MEN (not women) sharing how they ‘test’ women.
One teaching, which you’ve addressed here, is that men will throw tests to see how willing you are are to work for the ring. If he sees you working for it, aka, acting the wife, then he doesn’t have to put in much effort, because he knows its all about him and he’s got you hooked.
And if thats the case, you likely wont see a ring. Ever. He will just keep future faking until he is ready to move on. Unless he is the type to marry for convenience and have a side piece. Watch out for those!
Here’s a real life story. Just one personal example.
My boyfriend, now husband, went into all points bulletin mode when I moved into a new condo when we were dating. Meaning he freaked.
We each had our own place, and mine was so tiny and noisy. I was so proud of it though, because I got it all myself. Still I wanted to move. well after I got a promotion, I could afford more, so I started looking around. I did the search myself. He knew I was looking and he was happy for me but I ensured it was a separate process. I didn’t discuss every place I saw with him nor did I ask his input.
Soon I found the perfect place! He was out of town for business when this happened. While he was gone, I signed the lease and scheduled the move myself and within 7 days (and some chaos), I was in my new place!
It was perfect!
He and I were only 6 months into dating during all this and when he called, I said, “I found a place and I moved! ” He was dead silent.
“You are still in town?”
“Yes, silly!” he knew thats where I was looking) “I cant wait for you to see it!” I said.
When he return, I was the first thing he did. He had to “locate” me, I guess. lol
I got a million questions about the move. I got him pointing out ways I may have been duped. (I wasnt) His investment level changed in that moment.
After that, I got more phone calls from him throughout the week.
And I will never forget how at a party the following weekend, ihis conversation to everyone involved the amazing place my “girlfriend” found on the westside of town! I let him brag and talk. It was so sweet.
Are you starting to see?
Solo choices but sharing lives.
This is girlfriend behavior.
Girlfriend that turns to wife.
Understand. I was not doing any of this to “get” some reaction from him. I was early 20s and clueless to this stuff!
Its only now as an older woman I see why he was moved by it.
All I cared about at the time was handling it myself. It was my dream, my money, and my choice. And also, it would be my success (or mistake). Alone.
And if it was, I wanted to make it.
Thats very freeing to a man.
Could I have asked his input?
Sure! Im sure he would have valued the ego boost in the moment, but then what would he feel? Like he has to look out for me like Im some girl who cant manage her life? Perhaps a constraint on his freedom? Wouldn’t I be forcing him to be invested in my decision instead of allowing him to choose to be?
Again, I had no idea of any of the psychology going on at the time. I just was being me. I like my independence.
Now. I am his wife.
Now. I do ask his input.
But when you are a girlfriend, be the girlfriend.
Its a fun time! Its not saying don’t “do” anything for him. You should be loving and happy and sharing your world and passion with him!
Being loving is part of it too!
But live your own life!
Show him you are out there living.
And always keep one foot out the door at all times until the day he carries both of them over the threshold. There is a reason for the symbolism, my dear ladies.
Best of luck.
Brenda!
Thank you for such encouragement!
Quien
I truly mean this I needed this today and last year and in between and going forward Thank you Lacey!!
Shonae Jones
“While “playing house” and “playing wife” may make you feel happier about your relationship because you exhibit that close, committed relationship held by a husband and wife, you don’t have the comfort and security that a marriage provides.”
This article is such a joke! It’s 2022 – marriage no longer (if it ever did) offers comfort and security. You can spend 10 years with someone until they wake up one day and cheat or decide that they’re done entirely. Do what’s right for YOUR relationship and you’ll be fine.