You thought you and God had a deal. You would wait wisely for the right one and God would deliver that love for a lifetime at the time you expected to find love.

That time has passed. You are now older. Older and unmarried.

You and God have talked a lot about this. Many hours of prayer devoted to this since you were in your late teens. In your heart-wrenching prayer times about this you have come up with three options as to why you are older and unmarried:

• Something is wrong with you.
• You are stupid and missing God’s clues.
• God doesn’t care.

All of these leave you feeling abandoned. Believing God doesn’t care (you have proof after all!) covers every decision you are now making.

You are so tired of working on you. Trying to fix you so you can be loveable. All of these plans and goals and attempts and you still find that you are stupid and are missing God’s clues. You have shared these plans and goals and attempts with your “team” and yet here you are still single and still abandoned by God. Your team has run out of encouraging words to say to you as they keep trying. They’ve been supportive for so long and yet there is no love for a lifetime for you yet.

You have a head full of negative self-talk. Sometimes this negative self-talk does get shared with your team/friends. Too often it stays inside your head. You are so tired of it. So angry. So abandoned that you don’t care.

So you start dating the wrong person. At least you are dating someone! At least someone is finding you loveable! Maybe you can do a better job than God can.

Voila! Just like that you find yourself in a bad match expending your emotions and wasting time on this bad match. You find yourself contorting who you are, compromising values, praying differently, crying more by yourself, lying to yourself, lying to others, and surprising yourself by how super-glued you are to this other.

At least you are dating someone. At least someone is finding you loveable.

Your mind is consumed with all of these back-and-forth thoughts. You are dating and falling in love as your brain doesn’t rest. This love is not bringing you peace.

Before you didn’t have peace because you were sure you were abandoned by God. Now you don’t have peace because you are falling in love.

Where are your friends/team during this time? Are some of them still walking with you but also reminding you that this is a bad match? Can’t they just accept you and this relationship? You are so mad at God and you are falling in love with this person and you are so glad to be dating anyone. Why can’t they understand this? They know my heart. They know me.

Don’t be surprised to find yourself avoiding those friends over time. Because you don’t want to see the you that your friends are seeing.

You find yourself playing this trick on yourself–“I will only think of the good parts of him” trick. Every time you think about ending this relationship because you know you should or because what one of your friends says makes sense, you begin to miss someone who does not exist. You are defensive about keeping this person you are falling in love with while not realizing that this person does not exist.

You have fallen in love with someone wanting to date you, someone who makes you feel loveable, someone who makes you feel not abandoned. You are not in love with this whole person, but this contorted version that exists so you can have your love for a lifetime–finally.

So because you are mad at God you are with this bad match. How’s it going for you?

God can handle your anger. It is those who trust God who can vent their anger at God. You have a good reason to be angry at God.

I too married late, was angry at God, got really angry at God, continued giving good character guys a chance and eventually met my love for a lifetime. On the other side of this, the hard right choices are worth it. But I still don’t understand why I had to faithfully wait for sooooooooooo long. Maybe because John wasn’t ready for me but how is that fair to me, the faithful-to-God one? This is a question with tension I still want God to answer. I’m not compliant with just having the marriage I have. I still want to know why.

This is why I walk with a limp. I wrestle with God.

If you have compromised your soul and have made sinful decisions, you need to confess, repent, and change your path. Now. So much to read here so please do.

Life simply sucks for you right now. I’m not sugar-coating this. As much as I believe in the greater ability of singles to bless this world in bigger ways than married people, not finding this love for a lifetime yet hurts deeply. It hurts even more when that 22-year old at your church gets engaged. You are happy for her as you are angry.

You feel me? You believe me when I tell you how much this hurts? Then hear this too. You can’t allow someone’s absence to define your life. You can’t look at a life with your love of a lifetime as better than your life right now. Because if that life is better, then the one you’re living now must be worse. Right? But it’s not. You are not living a bad life. It is simply different. You need to learn to be okay with something different.

I do not have easy answers for you. But I will clearly say, do not date that bad match because you are angry at God. That is adding a complication you do not want to have to deal with. You do not want to have such regrets.

There is a 100 percent chance of having regrets if you do.

Regrets do not make a love for a lifetime.  

Make that ending. I am here understanding how abandoned you feel and am whispering to you that something is better. Feel that brave hope in your soul and make that ending. In that anger at God realize that you are moving in the darkness.

Please hang in wrestling with God just a bit longer.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash