February 21, 2015

Very recently I was in pain. I was watching my son spin out of control yet again. Yet again I had that wish for him to get arrested so that I would know he would live. This is a fear I have felt all too often but it is a fear that has been absent for two years. Having that fear come back—feeling that fear again—spiraled me downward.

This is living vulnerable. And there are times it hurts. Hurts a lot.

This is where bravery comes in. I have chosen him to be my son and that does not change no matter what level of pain or joy. He is loveable. He is so worthy of this love. (I wish you all could know him. You would see it too.) He is a beautiful boy, now man.

Note: He has brought me such incredible joy. I would never be able to feel that joy if I wasn’t able to feel this pain. If I numb the pain, I will also numb that joy.

This is living vulnerable. I feel. There are times I have to keep trying to love life even when it hurts my feelings.

While spiraling downward, I called out for prayer and action. I could see this all in my mind’s eye. I saw myself spiraling downward. I made a declaration to my husband that I was not going to crawl into bed and lose two weeks of my life again. I saw myself reach out to my church family and cling to them with hands clasped asking for prayer and action. Then I chose to continue on with my days. There were times I froze in place lost in despair. Then I would choose to continue on again.

He’s stable now. He has a big hole to climb out of. But he’s in a place where he can. With people who will walk with him through everything. Everything. Thank you to the many who have decided to continue to love life even when it hurts our feelings. Moms can’t always be the answer. But God’s people are. To the many who chose to chase him, you chose bravery to love him. Of course, it wasn’t a hard decision to love him. He is so loveable. Thank you for choosing bravery.

I wrote this before I started Bravester. Such words have always been “falling” out of me. If you’ve followed me for long, you will know that this story only got worse.

This was also written before I wrote my book about these people who have helped me carry my pain. This mom would not be possible without surrounding herself with brave people.  These are my gift of people. This is my story which is weaved throughout Bravester.

Our best choice is to keep trying to love life even when it hurts our feelings.  I’ve also learned since then that all emotions move us towards God. I feel—the pain and the joy—and then I make decisions about those feelings. I’ve grown to not be afraid of my pain. I’ve also become exhausted from so much joy. I don’t make the decisions that cause me to numb the pain. That only leads me to make too many other decisions—often tinged with regret—down the road.

So life has hurt my feelings…again. I’m going to make the brave decision to love life anyway. To find the gratitude. To have a yellow world. To cry and whine with my people and then go live this life. When I know I’m heard by my people the rest of my life is so much more manageable. I don’t need to live fake and I don’t need to be that tragic friend of yours who cries and whines all of the time. My people have heard me and I’m choosing to love life.

This is Bravester thinking. Because obviously by my long life, life is going to hurt my feelings again.