No One Wants to be Someone’s “Solution” for a Life That’s Not Working
I’m talking to a specific type of person in this article. The title probably told you that. This person is not necessarily female or male. I’ve seen this in both. I’ve known so many beautiful people like this. But this behavior is not attractive and gets in the way of them finding a love for a lifetime.
I’m talking to the ones who always “need” to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. When single they continually have an eye out for any living breathing possibility. They change their Facebook status nearly immediately after one date to let the world know that they are with someone. They post constant pictures of being together. They are constantly together. Then a few months later they start posting bitter comments on social media which you are supposed to figure out the real meaning of. There are no more pictures of them together but there are new pictures of single and “strong” you.
These people certainly love instagram to be the diary of their relationship. And often multiple relationships.
I always want to know where their friends are in these stories. I’m pretty sure their friends are sick of the constant drama and let him or her do their own thing and fail. But this is not what they wish for their friend.
The people who are in my realm doing this behavior do hear from me. This is what they hear. “Who are you? Where are your boundaries? You don’t need this relationship, or the last several relationships, to define you. I see you. I see you without the desperation and I know you can attract better. Let’s put the hard work in together.”
No one wants to be someone’s “solution” for a life that’s not working.
So let’s put the hard work in so that your life is working. You must date as a whole person. A whole person has boundaries.
How does this hard work start? It starts when you find yourself a group of people you can be vulnerable with. This could be a small group from your church (highly recommended). Your team is definitely a part of this. This may be your circle of friends, the same ones who have tired of you and your drama as you flit from relationship to relationship. Have an honest talk with them and ask them to walk with you as you do this hard work. Who cannot be in this group is anyone you have an interest in dating.
Then in this small group with whom you can be vulnerable with, start practicing accepting the real you. How do you practice something which has alluded you your entire life? Start with this list:
a. Gain awareness of what you like and don’t like
b. Define who you are and are not
c. Develop your “no” muscle
d. Stop blaming others
e. Stop playing the victim
f. Persevere and develop self-discipline
g. Become proactive, not reactive
h. Set limits
i. Choose and enforce your values
j. Accept others’ choices and don’t control them
k. Realize your separateness and independence from others
l. Be honest, clear, and direct
m. Challenge distorted thinking
n. Practice self-control with help from others
This is a lot of vulnerability. But because you are in a small group with everyone as members, you are not allowed to dominate the center of the small group so you can hurry up this process. You must participate as part of the group while purposely practicing the things on this list. This is why it takes time. The small group likely does not exist to help you grow. Though this small group that does exist will be the catalyst to help you grow.
This takes time. This takes your vulnerability. This is hard work. This is the beginning of finding your boundaries.
But here is the truth I want you to remember as you put in the hard work and the time.
I see your worthiness and you are more worthy than the losers you’ve been attracting. I believe you are capable of attracting more than one right person. And I can’t wait to watch you be this whole person who is dating whole people and whom will find a good match with which will lead to a love for a lifetime. I see this for you. Because you are trusting yourself to be vulnerable to me (and whomever else in your small group), we are going to find joy in watching you.
This will be your diary of a relationship.
Do you see the possibilities? We do.
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A small book about being the people that hurting people need.
“This is the book that I wish I had had for people in my life that have suffered and needed me to be that compassionate friend. This is the book that I wish others in my life had read before they dismissed my pain, or compared it to theirs, or stumbled horribly through trying to lessen my pain because it was actually really about THEM not feeling comfortable with it.”
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[…] is not the same as Jerry McGuire giving his broken-mess self to Dorothy to be healed and to be whole. Soul mates are half people looking for their other half. […]