The Awe in the Moment You Realized You Have Grown
My son is coming to the end of a very long prison sentence. This has been a learning curve for him, and for me. Prison does that. I’ve written bits about it here and here and here.
At the end of this long journey, he finds himself waiting for release at a Level 2 prison here in Virginia. His Level 2 prison has been carved out of a Level 4 prison. This is because, like too many states, Virginia overbuilt prisons 30-40 years ago and are now closing several facilities and rearranging the entire system. When you read The New Jim Crow, you will understand the injustice and racist power to do this. I will end this personal soapbox with that.
So here Kenneth is with the privileges of a Level 2 but has Level 4 ignorance to deal with. When the immature act up in a Level 4, he is placed on locked down too.
He is also seeing faces again in the Level 4 who have seen his long journey.
This is what he wrote to me. Prison has an email system (that is not free, more injustice) where he writes me his deeper thoughts than our phone calls.
“I am just ending this last section of my sentence. I see the guys that I was at (Level 5) with here on the 4 side that are stuck. They see me and ask, ‘Are you getting ready to get released?’ They smile but I also see a look of dread hidden under those smiles.
“It goes back to over a decade ago that I used to tell those fellows with (those) life long sentences. I will be getting ready for release after 25 years. They always would say that’s like doing life. At first I would feel like that was truth until I made it half way through my sentence. Now I am under 5 and on a real countdown.
“So my old guys see me and they smile but it’s also a look like, ‘boy, you escaped this ending.’ It’s a feeling that I can’t really explain to you. Being in it but then also making it out of it but still witnessing it daily. It is a dreadful feeling but a welcomed one. I ain’t in it but I can reach out and literally touch it.
“These guys are done for but they still go about their day as routine calls. They don’t stop. I ask myself if I could endure that. My conscious self says I don’t want to and I believe I would not. It’s just I see the people and I don’t know if they are really getting what it is.
“My level drops (and) it leads me out of the door. They have life terms and theirs end at a Level 3. Young guys ask me all (of) the time, ‘Did the time go fast?’ I say it has slow points and it has kick points. But it has been close to 26 years and this ain’t no accomplishment. I lost 26 years so far. That’s the reality. I ain’t quit though. I won’t ever quit. Life is life. If the good Lord allowed me to make it this far ‘whole’ then I can’t quit.”
Twenty-six years sounds like such a long time of being stuck. Like a long time of waiting for life to start again. Until it doesn’t when you realize all that has grown in those 26 years.
This makes sense and it feels awful.
We live in tree time–where personal growth is always happening. It is also hard to see. And then you see it and are in awe. Like that moment you see a large beautiful tree.
My son is having that moment. (Me too, actually.)
Dr. Brene’ Brown defined awe in the beautiful book, Atlas of the Heart,
“When feeling awe, we tend to simply stand back and observe, ‘to provide a stage for the phenomenon to shine.’”
–Dr. Brene’ Brown, Atlas of the Heart, p. 58
I am standing back and providing a stage here on Bravester for this phenomenon to shine.
Because you feel stuck, and it’s been a lot less than 26 years.
Because your heart is growing calloused. You are tired of pretending to be okay.
Because your life needs a moment of awe to soften your calloused heart. I give you this moment of mine to soften yours. And inspire hope inside of you. The kind of hope that has bloody fists.
God loves to watch his creation grow. Growth is happening, even if you don’t see it. Or especially when you don’t feel it. Then one moment you get to see the growth that happened and you feel awe. Words really can’t describe it. You just realize with a gut full of overwhelming emotions that a whole lot of good has happened inside of you.
Hello, beautiful. You are shining.
If the most important thing in life is the person you become, then growing is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
Further reading about awe:
