How to End a Relationship Well, Part 2

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Let’s start out again with this truth, a friendship is ending here.  So is an unhealthy relationship that needs to have an end.  But there was/is also a friendship that was once beautiful and wanted and a part of the pattern of both of your lives.  But now it is ending.  Because you are desiring to end this relationship well with respect for the other, here are some more good tips for you.  Again, they are not in any order of priority as your situation is so personal.  You will know which ones you need to meditate on and work on.  You will also know which ones you can pass on to your friends as they also navigate the ending of their relationships.

Part 1.

  • Just in case you need to be reminded of this.  You instigating this ending conversation is a good thing.  A brave thing because so much vulnerability is involved.  So don’t do these “gaming” behaviors to try to get this person to break up with you.  Don’t try any of these bad behaviors:  don’t spend more of your time with friends or at work; don’t become distant and emotionless; don’t complain about the other incessantly; don’t pick fights.  You are better than this gaming behavior.  Show respect first and trust that you may get it back.
  • Before the face-to-face break up, plan how long this discussion is going to last. Expect to spend at least 1 hour breaking up, and longer if the relationship lasted a year or more.  This may sound cold and calculated at first.  But think about it.  You have your notes and/or collected thoughts.  Even with giving the other person some time to respond, you know this discussion won’t take over an hour.  You also know that if this discussion drags on to be two or three hours, emotions are going to be heightened and that won’t be good for anybody.
  • To protect this planned block of time, you may want to prearrange to meet someone on your team after this discussion. This will help you keep everything to the arranged time limit and give you the “push” you may need to keep to the time limit.
  • Do meet in a public place. Do meet face-to-face.  But don’t make the location “too” public.  You don’t want to embarrass this worthy person.  Don’t make this location the “special place” the two of you had either.  It can’t be your place because then you will need to “push” him/her out the door around that 1-hour mark.  That is not a lasting memory you want to make.  And you certainly don’t want to do it at your other’s place.  There is no reason to do it there.  A wise public place it is.
  • Answer whatever questions that are raised as honestly as possible. This is a safe time to share your vulnerability by giving honest answers.  Tell the truth but do not be hurtful.  Remember the other person’s vulnerability too.  Also remember that you are on a “time limit” so you don’t need to delve in too deeply.  Just honestly.
  • Look this person in the eye. Show respect in your body language too.
  • The fact of the matter is you have to hurt his/her feelings first in order to set the both of you free. There is no way around this.
  • Things to never say:

“Maybe sometimes we can get together again.”
“A part of me still loves you.”
“I never loved anybody as I loved you.”
“Ok, give me some time to think it over.”
“We can still be friends.”

  • The other person will likely be upset, and it will show. You can comfort him/her, but don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your decision. This is why you have practiced before time.  In your comfort, remember that this ending is still happening.  And that you are still on a time limit.
  • He/she may dispute anything you’ve said during the break up, including examples you used in your reasons for breaking up. Don’t get dragged into a fight, and don’t split hairs. Quietly and calmly let your soon-to-be ex know that arguing isn’t going to change your decision. Because you have practiced and know this, keep respect in the forefront of this entire conversation.
  • Don’t be surprised if many people confront you or ask questions about your relationship, especially on social networking sites. Regardless of the nature of the question, you don’t have to answer their questions with details. Simply state the basic information.
  • If your ex begins sharing private information, do not retaliate and share back. Instead try going into damage control as you would with other rumors and take the high road. Time is a factor here too.  Keep taking the high road and let time be the one to tell the truth of this story.  Soon everyone will see the truth too—when time happens.
  • Try to maintain positivity and optimism, regardless of the situation. It’s much easier to move on to bigger and better things if you are more secure and satisfied with yourself.  Remember that you are a worthy catch for anyone—which is why you ended this relationship.  You are still a worthy catch even though right now it hurts so much.
  • If you want to get rid of relics (gifts, cards, letters), go ahead, but minimize the bonfire moment. This is drama you don’t need to create.
  • Change your Facebook status within a week after the ending conversation. You don’t need to share anything more than that on Facebook.
  • Time is a very important factor for both of you. And neither of you can make time go any faster.

So how are you doing now?  Are you feeling encouraged to put this ending on your relationship?  This is a good start to transition your life for that better match.  For that new beginning.  You can do this, brave one.

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Comments 2

  1. Pingback: How to End a Relationship Well, Part 1 | Bravester

  2. Pingback: Saying You Are a Christian is Not Enough for a Relationship to be a Good Match | Bravester

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