Don’t ask someone out by text. Not for the first date. Not for the second date. Not after you are in a relationship for six months. Maybe occasionally when you are in a committed relationship but use text more for such things as “I’m on my way” or “Thought of you when I woke up this morning.”
Be brave enough to call on the phone and have a real conversation. We feel special when you rouse up your bravery and call us on the phone and use words and full sentences we can hear with our ears.
Yes, I know that texting each other is a real part of real relationships. I’m a youth pastor. I have real conversations by text with my teenagers all the time. Often deep conversations. I now also have a written record of these deep conversations. This has been useful many times. Another real bonus is my mother can’t hear very well. Texting is often one of the best ways to talk to her. My best friends and I text more than we talk. This is because we know our phone conversations are hours long so it is better to text the latest happening so we are free to respond when we do have time.
In dating world though, text messaging is a player’s best tool. Texting allows the player to communicate casually and effortlessly with many while at the same time using texts to gauge/judge the interest levels of each one until he/she can select the best two or three who he/she may be most attracted to but will also be less demanding of his/her time. Conversations to get to know each other better do happen by texts but how do you know if he/she isn’t having the same conversations with ten others? At the same time? While living in his mother’s basement? While bored on a date with another man?
There is actually a coined name for this: breadcrumbers. You think they like you because they send you messages that they’re thinking of you or want to know how your day is but the conversation never goes much further than that. You’ve just been given breadcrumbs to tease you along. Too often you will text back and then they ghost you for a day or three or a week. For even more mixed signals, breadcrumbers will continue liking your posts on social media even if they haven’t responded to your texts.
This player type of person will do whatever possible to avoid having conversations on the phone with you because you would be asking more of him/her than he/she is willing to give.
Women, why do so many of you say yes to dates when you’ve been asked out over texts?! Stop this! Stop accepting this low ball offer. If he is interested in you, the least you can expect him to do is to call you.
In a dating relationship, texting should never be the primary way of communicating with you. For relationship growth you do want those long phone calls when talking wanders into conversations that show you deeper levels of the other. Plus responsible adults pick up the phone when something is important. Are you not important? Are you not worthy to be called to make plans with you? Are you not worthy to be called to ask how your day was? (This is really so little to ask.)
And this assumption judgment can easily be made: A person not willing to call you will also not take the steps (which means work) necessary to commit to you.
I’m not done yet beating this drum. I was coaching a young couple who desired to marry each other. About 8 months into their relationship they had a bad fight–over text. I got a phone call (yes the phone rang) from him all distraught about this fight. Only to find out it was over text. Of course, miscommunication happened. Miscommunication that didn’t need to happen if she had called and told him with words what was going on. Now the actual fight needed more repair than what she was originally mad about. Sheesh.
Do the brave thing. Pick up the phone. (Is that really a brave thing?)
Read more now that you are using words? Brave Dating Practice: Clarity.
(photo credit: Pexels.com)