Brave Dating Practice: Clarity
Be brave and give clarity all along the way of dating. Clarity is letting the other person know where you are at along the way. It is a clear clue that you would like to be asked out. It is you asking the other out (without three months of messaging!). It is you declaring that the first date was successful (however you define that). It is you declaring when you will call. It is you not sending mixed messages.
If the first date was good, let the other know that you will be asking out again. Or be very clear that you would like to be asked out again.
Clarify that you will message or call in two days. Or tomorrow. Clarify this so the other person isn’t left guessing and trying to figure you out. Those who have been ghosted will so appreciate this.
Do you see the bravery—thus vulnerability—in this? Do you also see the gift in this? Be the one who is brave. It will probably be contagious.
Maybe your clarity will be returned with clarity that you are not wanted to call tomorrow. That sucks. But at least you know.
Maybe your clarity will lead to “I think you’re great…but…” While this also sucks you are being given a gift. This person was brave enough to give you clarity. Can you imagine the opposite? The wishy-washy of guessing all of the time? Have you done that before? Have you done that often? Now that is an uncomfortable mess that is not necessary. (As you have learned every time.)
If you are on the receiving end of “I think you’re great…but…” you’ve also been respected. Isn’t that wonderful? Yes you are also being turned down but the other had the decency to respect you with kind words. You have been spared of the mixed messages which you would have spent so much emotional energy trying to figure out.
Maybe you’ve been given a gift of clarity that you are certain the other is interested in you. Doesn’t that feel wonderful? Return that feeling of wonderful with your clarity. Don’t shy away from it.
Clarity is plain and simple words—that are said. Not hinted at. Not pantomimed. Not nonverbally given. To speak the words is a bit scary but those words are plain and simple gifts.
Clarity is also trust and respect. Because you respect this person (even if there is a non-match) you are using your words to give this person respect. And that begets trust.
Clarity also means someone gave you respect by clarifying any little thing. This is not then something to be gossiped about or laughed about with your friends. You do want to be known as someone trustworthy, right? You have been given a gift. Even if it hurts. To mockingly laugh about it with your friends is just deflecting that hurt and causing you to be someone you don’t want to be. Don’t do that! Respect the gift.
Clarity is also boundaries. You are not contorting yourself to figure out if this is going to work. The person clearly knows who he/she is talking to.
This is not DTRing the relationship. (DTR = defining the relationship.) You are not defining anything until it is the right time. That is a big talk to have at the right time. This is you being clear all along the way. Every little step along way.
The opposite of this is someone—or you—sending mixed messages. You’ve been a part of that sort of relationship before, right? In the end it sure wasn’t any fun. And it didn’t work out anyway. You don’t want to be the one sending mixed messages. And you don’t want to be the one hanging around trying to interpret those mixed messages either. Be the one to clarify. Be the brave one.
This article may or may not have been inspired by rom-com movies. Those movies are heart swooning because of the plot that draws you in. Even the “cuteness” of nothing being clarified feels romantic. Feels like part of the romance that is developing. Unless you are watching Hallmark movies which has the same plot over and over again and it always involves one party or both parties not using the gift of clarity. But really, none of that is romantic. None of that is cute.
Romance and cute is birthed out of trust. Trust is the fruit of clarity. Trust is what you want in your relationship. Be the brave one.
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[…] My advice all these years later is to have the conversation with him. Vulnerably expose your feelings for him. Share the story of how those feelings have grown and why you have created this story in your mind. Be specific about the confusing messages he has given you. You be the one who is brave enough to clarify. […]
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