This is the dependency paradox.

“That’s the thing about attachment—you need to depend to be independent. You need a stable base to venture out. Something to rely on to take risks. Some stability to cope with chaos. Otherwise you can’t explore with confidence.” –Freya India, https://www.freyaindia.co.uk/p/the-age-of-abandonment

That nails it. We prize our independence. We guard our autonomy as if needing someone were a weakness. In protecting ourselves from dependence, we may be making ourselves more miserable than we have to be.

We often think dependence and independence are opposites, but they actually work together. We need a stable place to come back to before we can confidently venture out. We need someone or somewhere we can rely on before we feel safe enough to take risks, try something new, or step into uncertainty. A secure relationship anchors us in the middle of chaos. From that secure base, we can venture out, take risks, and explore.

Healthy dependence doesn’t make us weaker. It gives us the bravery to grow. Failure can’t define us because we are defined by who we are, and who we are is defined by who we are attached to. We can explore. We can risk. We can become. Independence doesn’t mean needing no one. It means having enough security in our relationships that we are free to become who we are created to be. Research on attachment and adult relationships supports this paradox: accepting dependence and having a responsive secure base can actually promote greater autonomy, exploration, and confidence.

The Christian faith offers much when it comes to this. I say often, “You need to depend on a Savior who isn’t you.” This encapsulates this dependency paradox.

We want to be independent from God when our freedom begins with dependency on God.

We want anything but a Savior.

“It’s hard not to believe in anything bigger. We refused to be controlled by religion, yet without it everything feels so painfully out of control. So we mocked faith only to mimic it. We whisper to the universe, we repeat our affirmations, we obsess over our mental health. We search for something, anything, to believe in.

“These new belief systems promising empowerment are so unstable, though. We tie our identities to trends that disappear overnight, to an unpredictable job market, to whatever personalities, lifestyles, or versions of right and wrong are trending. And when we wonder who we are, we do it publicly, under constant interference from algorithms and advertisers telling us who we should be and what we should want. Until we can’t even tell the difference between who we are and what we are being sold.” –Freya India, Girls:  Generation Z and the Commodification of Everything, p. 238

My Savior does not shift with the culture, my circumstances, or my emotions. He has proven steady enough for me to trust. And is not trying to sell me anything. There are no transactions needed for this relationship. The price was paid on the cross. God has designed for him to do the work to remove our sins from us. I am asked to surrender to a Savior who isn’t me. Then I walk into a fuller life that has freedom.

For the Christian, true freedom isn’t gained by relying on your inner voice which can misguide you or change without warning. It’s found by looking deep inside yourself, dying to the sinner you meet there, and turning to Christ who paid the price. Freedom means trusting in the saving work of Jesus on the cross. It doesn’t justify you to indulge in sin, but liberates you from the power of sin.

Dependence feels naïve; triggers your trust issues; makes you wonder if you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed; feels like handing someone else the power to hurt you; makes self-reliance feel safer than relationship. Hyper-independence comes frequently from people that have experienced trauma. This dependency paradox becomes extra hard because of that trauma.

Truth is, we can’t possibly control every outcome, predict the future, or plan for the worst-case scenario. Whether we recognize it or not, we’re dependent on God.

Some claim to depend on God but… With your mouth and mind you say you trust God, but your anxious heart reveals the truth. You believe it’s all up to you to secure the best job, find the right person, be a model Christian, and to raise godly children. This pressure is exhausting you. Still you believe it is better for you to strive than to take the risk that you will fail or that God will not meet your expectation.

I think we fear depending on God for many reasons. God may lead me somewhere I wouldn’t choose. God may reshape me into someone I would never become if my life remained entirely under my command.

The issue isn’t merely “Can I trust God?” It’s “Am I willing to let God have enough authority in my life that I might become someone I wouldn’t have chosen to become?” So you choose to depend on yourself, maybe even saying you are a Christian. And your life feels meaningless. And exhausting.

There is a better way. It is also common sense. But it does require surrender to a Savior who isn’t you to gain this freedom.

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26:3.

Peace is the by-product of intentional dependence on God. Haven’t you been wishing for more peace?