You have always known that you have loved Jesus. Whether it is from the home you grew up in or because you simply have always loved Jesus. You loved learning the stories in children’s church. You loved your memories of the things you did in youth group. These things have formed you.
But for the reasons you know, you became a single mother to an adorable child anyway. You know the lies you believed that got you here.
You’ve been scared, thrilled, overwhelmed, heart-broken, disappointed, and exuberantly proud of yourself. This is not the life you planned but you are happy.
You even started back up at church again. You found a way back to your childhood faith that was pure and growing again. You found a way to heal from the shame—mostly heaped on by yourself because of your decisions though it was more convenient to blame others. You were back in church, your child was getting the same Bible stories you had growing up, you found your place to volunteer at church, you were a part of a church family who wanted you.
But once again you find yourself drifting from church. And find your faith drifting from God again. It’s been a slow drift. It stems because you really want to find a husband.
There was a time you believed that if you started back up at church again you would meet the kind of guy you thought you would marry. You have always desired to be married. And now you want your beloved to know the love and care of a good father, even if he is not the bio-father. Surely you would find that person at church. Or through church people.
Alas some years have passed and you have not found anyone. You’ve prayed and God has not delivered. Your intentions were true and honest.
Your desire to be married has found you looking for men now in happy hours, breweries, concerts, etc. At least here men are talking to you. At least here there are possibilities.
But are these men true possibilities? Have you met a good one yet? Yes, you are meeting men but have you met a good one? The reality of meeting men has led you to contort yourself again to believe that you will find that love of a lifetime you’ve always been searching for here. Those lies you told yourself before you are telling yourself again.
You’ve stopped attending church. Your people miss you. But even worse, you’ve put your growing faith on the back burner because your desire for marriage is more important right now. You’ve had to put that faith on the back burner—again—to justify the men you are talking to.
I wish I wish I WISH God would bring you that love for a lifetime you have desired since you were young and so full of faith and hope. I don’t know why you haven’t met him yet. I do know that time is the one brave dating practice neither you nor I have any control over. I do know that I would do anything to find you that good match because I know what a good match you are.
But not now. I see you compromising and lying to yourself again.
I get it. I understand it. But I know these decisions are not going to get you what you want. And I’m sorry that you are angry at God for not delivering yet.
While I’ve been praying for you, I know a remarried mom sick in the hospital. She’s been remarried for quite some time now. She found a good one after finding a pretty bad one the first time around.
During her long hospital stay, she told me, “Life always looks better and the world is a little less scary when I’m holding David’s hand!”
Those beautiful words are stuck in my head. This is what you want. It is such a good thing to want this. This is what I want for you. But you aren’t making the decisions now to give yourself this. I don’t know what to do to help you. I’ve said so many words of encouragement but I can’t speed up time. I can’t answer the “why” of why you haven’t met him yet.
I want to pound your pain at the feet of Jesus on behalf of you. But I can’t do that also. I need you to have a bigger faith which is also mixed with total confusion. I wish for you to desire that kind of faith. You need to be the one pounding your pain at the feet of Jesus.
So I write these words for you. And for you whom I haven’t met yet.
I want to give you some hope. I want you to trust God just a bit more through this long season (too long!) of time. I wish for you to make small, deliberate tweaks to your thinking because you choose to give God more credibility than everyone else. I want to also say, I’m frustrated for you too.
I see you. I see your disappointment in God. I see your dream for a husband and father to your child. Please make these braver decisions.
These words are my gift to you.