One of my favorite rom-com movies is When Harry Met Sally. There are deeply personal reasons why. Reasons which I’m not ready to share here yet. Because of the date of that movie you can know it has nothing to do with John nor does it involve any baggage I had to work through to marry John. It is just a whole other story that means a lot to me very deeply. When I figure out that part of my life with my brilliant hindsight wisdom I will let you know.
This scene. This scene is grippingly sad for us women.
Joe didn’t want to marry Sally. Why didn’t he want to marry me? What’s the matter with me? Painful. Then Sally begins to contort herself so the truth doesn’t hurt as much.
Hard truth: If someone tells you that he/she has a commitment problem, it is just an excuse for his/her lack of serious interest in you. Or even worse, he/she is totally ignorant of the real problem. You may contort yourself and/or lie to yourself that your boo has baggage from a prior relationship(s) but that has nothing to do with the supposed commitment problem that is blocking the growth of your relationship.
Now there are some of you (who must be new to Brave Dating Coach) who hear about this commitment problem and you take it on as a personal challenge. Because you believe you are the one he/she makes the exception for. You believe you are that valuable to this one. This relationship is so special that you will be the one to bring him/her to a commitment. Meanwhile you are really Sally.
I heard this on a dating podcast from a man: Men don’t have commitment problems.
Men actually do know who they want to marry. But because of their own flaws and baggage they will string you along for five years (poor Sally) until they realize the who they want to marry.
Women, if a man tells you he has a commitment problem, it most often means he has a problem committing to you. Poor Sally. Poor you. Unless you change this lie you tell yourself.
For men or women, commitment problems can mean anything from “I don’t like you enough” (there is that wonderful feeling of not being enough again) to “I’m not happy with my life.” Or it is this painful truth: He/she is simply waiting until someone better comes along (there is that wonderful feeling of not being enough again). If he or she thinks he/she can do better than you, you are never going to get to the next level because that would be settling for that one. You would become that settling choice. When you originally thought you would be the exception.
Truth revealed. It is time to make that ending. Realize now that you are not that exception. That you cannot fix this one. That the “commitment issues” are that red light that says you are not enough.
Heal. Then try again. Vulnerably try again with a much wiser discerner (part brain, part instinct, part Holy Spirit). You are enough. You are worthy of a love for a lifetime. The whole of you is worthy of that love for a lifetime. Not the broken pieces you could have left if you keep lying to yourself about bad relationships.