The Crazy That Dating Is Now. But I Still Believe In It. Part 1.

I believe in dating. I believe in dating to find your match.

But I do have to admit, dating is a lot more vulnerable and crazy than when I was dating. Here are some random notes from me to say, “I hear you and I feel you” as I still say try brave dating. Brave dating is dating to discover who you are. The result of this learning process will then lead you to a good match to give you that “love for a lifetime” you desire. Because vulnerability is involved, you must approach this process with bravery. Moreso now than ever before. (I’m sorry the world has changed like this.)

The first date is awkward—with good reasons.

Don’t confuse a good dater to be good husband material. That guy who is awkward or too quiet or not funny on a first date might be acting that way because he’s excited about you, not because he’s a jerk.

First date skills have nothing to do with what kind of a husband a guy will make.

Your type may be skewing your expectations on how well or how badly this date is going.

Sometimes it’s easier to connect with what is comfortable rather than what is healthy.

Is who you are attracted to best for you?

Are you looking for someone who represents where you want to be in life? Or someone who represents who you want to be in life?

Do you see the difference? Do you see the big difference?

Nice guys are not given enough chances. Is potential more attractive to you than good guys who are “boring?”

Nice guys may be “boring” because you don’t have to put on a dog-and-pony show (you know what you do) to get an obligatory crumb thrown your way. They’re “too nice” because they don’t support or exploit your warped relational belief system that “nothing worth having comes easy.”

Besides, consistency does not equal boring.  

Is there the magic of “the one?”

Yes, but this comes after a lot of growth in each of you and growth in the two of you together. Yes, I’m mentioning work and time but this is how the magic happens. Romance is in the growing relationship. Romance is in the growing relationship that is full of the mundane.

Here’s another thing to blame on social media. Once upon a time when relationships faced problems, people understood that this was to be expected. They communicated and tried to fix it. But thanks to social media comparison, if a relationship faces a challenge people compare it to a false expectation. The presumption is made that this problem means they are with the wrong person. They blame that person for not meeting their expectations, throw that relationship away, and go in search of that fictional relationship that social media told them to expect.

We now have “cushioning.” People will semi-commit to dating but still flirt with other people as a means of leaving their options open. They like you but they are also on the lookout for the next best thing. Because the choices have widened so much due to the internet, those who believe in the “soul mate fallacy” are continually looking for “the one” even while they are with you and truly like you. Due to some unfounded belief of “the one” you are not enough to this one. Oh yes, you are nearly perfect and he/she does value your time with you but you are still not enough. They are still looking for that “magic” of “the one.”

Why would you want to date when it leads to being exposed to not-enoughness? Because you already are. This is the new religion.

You actually like staying home more than going out.

It’s okay to admit this. I know you imagined this beautiful outgoing lifestyle you would have in your 20s and 30s but now that you are this age, you find yourself staying home more than you ever thought you would—and liking it.

You are not alone in this. Researchers have discovered you. They (YPulse) have discovered that 72% of you would rather stay in than go out on the weekends. Whether it’s because you find nightclubs less appealing, are drinking less, saving money, or focusing on mental health—there are many reasons why you and your group are homebodies. Apps like Netflix, Doordash, and Etsy have made it easier for you to do things from the convenience of your home. It is even easier to do that Target trip. Source.

This is one reason why the church I lead meets on Friday nights. Friday night are becoming more of a night to slow down and rest (a consistent message of our church) than the hubbub of Friday night noise (and Sunday morning noise).

What does life look like when you don’t try a date on a Friday night?

You don’t have to commit a lot of your schedule for those first dates.

Try a coffee date. Don’t turn a coffee date into a 3.5 hour coffee date. No matter how great the conversation is.

I don’t know if this is good or bad. But I have more of these nugget insights to have a second article. You can read that here.


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