Question for you. How many lies will you accept as being okay in this relationship? How many white lies will you accept as being okay in this relationship? How big do the lies have to be before you decide you don’t want to be with a liar?
The answer should be none. Right? But what is the truth now about this relationship? How many lies have you accepted, excused, and justified to stay in this relationship?
Why are you putting up with a liar?
Because you are still in the early growing stages of this could-be interesting relationship? Aren’t these lies red lights you shouldn’t want in a relationship?
Because you are in love? Is this rational? You are in love with a liar? You are in love with someone you cannot admire and trust and respect? Love is all about those three. When this person tells you he/she loves you why would you even believe him/her?
Are you lying to yourself to stay in this relationship with a liar?
Are you hoping that over time and with your unconditional love that your liar will get better? Will have less reasons to lie because he/she has your love to make him/her a better person? Or are you hoping the lies are just a short-lived phase?
Or do you feel like you are the one in the wrong for accusing him/her of anything like the lies you’ve accepted? Is this the deal you made with yourself because you are nice?
Besides everyone lies. Even you have lied. So why should you be upset about your other’s lies?
Because of love. Because you desire to be loved. You desire to be loved for a lifetime. How is love defined? 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 famously defines love as Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
In that list I don’t see where it is okay to excuse someone’s lies. I do see how excusing someone’s lies dishonors you. Or is not being kind or is being self-seeking. Lies do not rejoice with the truth but mock the truth. Lies do not protect you. Lies do not create trust. Honestly from wise me, love is an empty word without respect. Love without truth is a lie.
What you think is love cannot be love if you love a liar.
What kind of values does your other have if he/she so freely lies to you? Think deeper about this. Is he/she feeling any guilt? Or when you bring it up are you the one who is made to feel bad for bringing it up? How much time have you spent trying to come up with creative ways of how to communicate that the lies are not acceptable to you? And yet, the lies continue. Were you heard at all? Did what you say even matter? Do you matter?
Here is an even worse scenario. Does he/she find the right combination of words to absolve themselves of any guilt or responsibility? Have you ever had his/her lying problem pinned on you? Like you are at fault? Have there been times when you actually believed it was your fault, that something you did forced this habit of lying?
Another overlooked problem of being in a relationship with a liar is you are more exhausted than you realize. You are constantly having to overcompensate for all the webs of lies that have been said. And that is exhausting. Why are you attracted to someone who is so exhausting? When was the last time you felt relaxed in this relationship?
In the end you can keep on trying. Keep on trying to communicate in yet another creative way. Keep on contorting yourself. And the best outcome you can get is the hope that he/she is being honest.
Liars don’t get better. They don’t have any reason to get better. Especially because you have begun to lie to yourself to stay in this relationship.
You have two choices. You can walk away or you can surrender to not knowing what to believe. That is a horrible place to be because it means you don’t believe your other but you don’t doubt him/her enough to walk away so you stay stuck in limbo. Is limbo good enough for you? Do you like contorting yourself to stay in a relationship that is stuck in limbo?
This is the saddest truth of all. This love which you are justifying, defending, contorting yourself for, and accepting being stuck in limbo cannot survive 50 years of life in marriage. Isn’t that what you really want? Do you want to be married for 50 years to someone whom you know is going to lie to you? Or do you want to be married for 50 years to someone you can admire and trust and respect?
You know what you have to do now. You have to make that ending. We are here with you to guide you in making this brave decision.
By not making this brave decision, you are just wasting your time. You and your time is more valuable than that. Lose the relationship. Don’t lose your dignity. Be brave.