I hope you never hear, “Hey, do you want to hang out?” And then have to wonder if this is a date or literally just hanging out.
Ask that intriguing someone on a date. Use the word “date.” Make it clear. This is clarity. Clarity is kind. Clarity is honoring and respectful.
Ask with your words. In person. Over the phone. Not by text.
By saying that word both of you will know what the intention is. You won’t be lost wondering about that “friend zone.” There are plenty of other “what ifs” to get caught up in than to worry about the “what if” this is a date.
Women, you can ask men out on a date. Men appreciate the clarity also.
A date also means a plan. You are asking someone to do something. Call it a coffee date instead of “Do you want to get a coffee together sometime?” Do you see the difference?
What happens way too often is you meet this person of high character and you want to get to know him/her better. So you start “hanging out” together. Maybe it’s just the two of you “hanging out.” Maybe it’s a group but you two seem to end up talking together more. Maybe you keep putting yourself in this person’s orbit at the inconvenience of your own life. Maybe you two only text each other—and that takes up hours of your life.
You find yourself lost in that “friend zone” because you don’t know what is going on between the two of you because neither have asked the other on a date. You also know that you are falling hard for this one.
Be the one to end this what will soon be a dead-end relationship. This blurry “friend zone” does not last forever and one of you is going to be hurt. Ask for the date. Use that word “date.” The person is either going to say yes or say no. You may now be moving forward because you really like this intriguing person. Or you will feel disappointment but that is better now than in six months of contorting yourself wondering. (And all that wasted emotional energy of daydreaming.)
The hard truth is you bending, blending and pretending to “hang out” with this intriguing other is already telling you the truth. If he/she never asks for the date, he/she is not into you.
Spare your friends’ emotional energy too. They already know that he/she is not into you. They see it. You can contort the story every which way you want to but we know. End this misery and ask for the date. Now you know too.
Have a little vanity. Ask for the date.
End the breadcrumbing. Ask for the date.
This date that is planned also doesn’t happen at the moment you ask the person or that evening or the next day. Give this intriguing person a minimum of three days to wait for this date.
For you, you’ve probably spent weeks being anxious and agonizing over asking this person out. You’ve probably talked to your friends (and your team?) about this person and finally you took the opportunity to ask—with clarity. For this other, give him/her a minimum three-day window so he/she can anticipate and talk about this with his/her people. Now you both have time to think and worry.
This planned date does not have to be romantic—yet. A coffee date is a great—and a comfortable start—to pay attention to someone’s story. Your date will value being seen and heard way more than being wooed and wowed as a romantic gesture. If all goes well, you will have plenty of future dates to show off your romantic self. Romance is the fun stuff!
Here’s some good second date ideas.
Of course, there is the possibility that you will be turned down on that date. As this interviewee said, “I can’t think of a single reason why not asking might be better than asking. If you don’t ask, the answer is ‘no.’ If you ask you have a chance. If you connect with someone the only way to get to know them better, to see if a relationship can develop, is to take the risk.”
There it is. Yes, there is risk. Dating is the vulnerable stuff. This person you have planned a date with has the power to break your heart—because you know you may give this person your heart. This is a risk.
It is still just a date. This one date does not define you. The fail of this date does not define you as unlovable. It is just a date. At a minimum you may have gained a great story. You may also have gained this other person’s respect because it was a “date” instead of a mystery whatever. You deserve the respect for doing the asking.
Men, women will applaud you for the clarity. All women will applaud.
So ask, “Do you want to go on a date with me?” with that intriguing high character person you have your eye on. Let the adventure begin or the daydreaming end. Either option is best for you.
Do you want to read more about those “hanging around” dead-end relationships?